Sometimes i wonder why i can't let go of guilt..the guilt of not doing enough for faheem ,or the guilt of not knowing what is bother him or the empty look in his eyes.I wish i didn't feel so guilty when people ask me why is Faheem not responding as happily as he use too...

I wish i had some magic powers to figure out what my son is going through everytime...honestly i wish i can make him happpppy all the time....sigh

As for school..F passed the probationary period...and after 6mths attending class with the younger kids (2-3yrs)..he was promoted...the teacher told me that she didn't want to detain F in the younger class since he is too old already for the younger children class...Well it doesn't matter i am sure he will fair better this time with children who are three and above.I hope the teachers this time will learn to understand him better.One thing that amazes the teacher is that inspite of F 's lack of attention in class he catches what the teacher does...He can relate to me what the topic of the day was in class today...of course i have to ask him..he won't tell me voluntarily...Usually its correct...(smile).He has learnt to queue,learnt some songs,arts though not doing it voluntarily yet,and slowly he is learning to be independent..i no longer accompany him in class...i wait for him outside...there are times when he begans to stim or talk to hime self(being doing tht often)..but considering all the milestones he is passing ,F is in my eyes doing a good job...
I have stopped occuppational therapy with Bu Eka and have started to do it on my own...I consider it more bonding time for F and me....Still doing ABA...I hear alot of complaints from the ABA therapist..F has managed to count upto 20 and has began to learn to read.But she said that F's progrees is not consistant so she can't teach him something different...F has no interests in academics yet ,therefore the inconsistancy in studies...I want to give him time in this.He is not even 4 yet.i teach him at home too.I believe he has understood the concepts of reading..its just a matter of time that we learn how reading will benefit him..once again he is not even 4...it will take him time.
Sensory Integration is going on fine..he is doing small amounts of sequencing..taking instructions like a pro..
I have just started Brain Gym...still too early to give any opinions about this therapy..

Holland...

an article a friend sent me that touched my heart...
WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.