Sometimes i wonder why i can't let go of guilt..the guilt of not doing enough for faheem ,or the guilt of not knowing what is bother him or the empty look in his eyes.I wish i didn't feel so guilty when people ask me why is Faheem not responding as happily as he use too...

I wish i had some magic powers to figure out what my son is going through everytime...honestly i wish i can make him happpppy all the time....sigh

As for school..F passed the probationary period...and after 6mths attending class with the younger kids (2-3yrs)..he was promoted...the teacher told me that she didn't want to detain F in the younger class since he is too old already for the younger children class...Well it doesn't matter i am sure he will fair better this time with children who are three and above.I hope the teachers this time will learn to understand him better.One thing that amazes the teacher is that inspite of F 's lack of attention in class he catches what the teacher does...He can relate to me what the topic of the day was in class today...of course i have to ask him..he won't tell me voluntarily...Usually its correct...(smile).He has learnt to queue,learnt some songs,arts though not doing it voluntarily yet,and slowly he is learning to be independent..i no longer accompany him in class...i wait for him outside...there are times when he begans to stim or talk to hime self(being doing tht often)..but considering all the milestones he is passing ,F is in my eyes doing a good job...
I have stopped occuppational therapy with Bu Eka and have started to do it on my own...I consider it more bonding time for F and me....Still doing ABA...I hear alot of complaints from the ABA therapist..F has managed to count upto 20 and has began to learn to read.But she said that F's progrees is not consistant so she can't teach him something different...F has no interests in academics yet ,therefore the inconsistancy in studies...I want to give him time in this.He is not even 4 yet.i teach him at home too.I believe he has understood the concepts of reading..its just a matter of time that we learn how reading will benefit him..once again he is not even 4...it will take him time.
Sensory Integration is going on fine..he is doing small amounts of sequencing..taking instructions like a pro..
I have just started Brain Gym...still too early to give any opinions about this therapy..

Holland...

an article a friend sent me that touched my heart...
WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

What an eventful month...Faheem started school.I have opted for mainstream.He is on a month probationary period.I do not why he is on probationary period,as this school accepts at least one autistic child in a class...nevertheless,i won't argue with them....I will play along

How is Faheem doing in class???well..once the teacher enters and begins to introduce some study material..he will start to stim.He will keep telling me "Mooma buka pintu,kita go".(mooma open the doo,we go).But i insist on staying.Finally he settles down,but will refuse to do any activity...its ok...one step at a time...this is a form of therapy...he will have to learn to settle in any situation.But the positive thing about it is he knows the names of the children in the class...and when i asked him what the teacher was talking about ..he answered...burung(birds)...while i was buying his uniform(so unnecessary at the moment..but since f insisted..as he likes the school logo BONA on it ..so oh well)he started to sing rolly polly...

Thats a start isn't it???:)))))

Honestly speaking,i am as nervous as he is when i am with him in the class.As much as i don't want to admit that the stares from the mothers don't bother me...they do.F's therapists are so confident that F will blend in..then i should...

Yes,i shouldn't let stares and comments bother me...

F started occupational therapy as well.The therapists Eka,

told me needs to work on his fine motor skills that he is lacking terribly.

But there is one thing that confuses me..she said he can talk but there is absolutely no two way communication...

No interest in any sort of play(hmmm!)

Odd pretend play which does not make sense

His perception in recognizing objects has not reaches its optimum stage(huh?)

He can't begin play and once he has started to play he can't stop...that too the way he plays is not how it is suppose to be..

F is not autistic(really????)

All this she concluded in an hour of observation..of which much time was spent on cleaning f vomit...(he puked all over the place ,poor thing),and cleaning f poop and after which he pee-ed...it was definately not a good day for the three of us .

By that time i didn't want to argue.I know she is not entirely wrong.There are only a limit amount of things F is interested in ..like transportation for example..loves all his motor bikes and cars trucks etc....

As for the pretend play..i think it has become better...but still it is not up to par for a three year old

Two way communication...OF COURSE there is a 2 way communication...infact after his second visit to Eka he could tell me what he did...But he still can't tell me each and every detail..he will when the time come m,as he learns more vocabulary .

I didn't say anything..i just listened and nodded.I am sure f will surprise her with his ingenuity as he has done with other therapists and me...I know it has been a tough job for the therapists to teach him..to woo him to them..in time they will see he is smart,it is just a matter of getting to know to how beautiful he is...Faheem ..you will always be beautiful in my eyes..Ya Allah help me bring out the best in him

As for the last thing...he is not autistic...then i wonder y his f on a probationary period because he is autistic???

So is my son autistic or not?????If he he is not..then what is he?

a lil disappointed!!

F has not been feeling well for almost a week now.Cold and cough.We are very selective in giving him any med for his ailments since F in our opinion seems to regress if given the wrong meds.

We took him to the doctors a coupl of days a go..F pediatrician from the day he was born...the fool WHO UP TO A CERTAIN PERIOD IN TIME DENIED THE FACT THAT F HAD AUTISM. ...if it was not for Y i would never set foot in his office.

F is usually uncomfortable in the doc's office.This time though he didn't cry as much.He only started to cry when Y inserted the thermometer in is armpit...this ritual is suppose to be handled by the doc..but he didn';t want to do it..instead attended to a call..Once the thermometer went off,f quickly set up...i n the doc immediately started to write the prescription...(on what basis was he writing the prescription..f did have a temperature)i asked him to check his mouth.. to that he answered..he wanted to but since f was violent...VIOLENT??????.F was not violent..he was not biting..hitting..he NEVER has,masyallah..and he would have never done it to him.F was crying and a little uneasy...Finally he checked his mouth,that too he refused to hold him directly,told Y to hold him .AND THIS FELLA HAS BEEN GIVEN A DEGREE IN PEDIATRICS..TO HANDLE CHILDREN?????

I honestly felt hurt..my poor baby being ostracized for autism and that too from a doctor who should be the most compassionate of all.This is not the first time that it has happened..Sometimes i feel people get autism wrongly.People out here relate autism to a violent mental disease .It;s these things that worries me bout F future..i hope by then f will be ok..pls Allah help my son,when i am not around.

An interesting conversation with Faheem

Momma;Faheem mau kemana?(where do u want to go?)

F;mau ke rumah nana(want to go to nana's house)

M;Mau lakukan apa di situ?(what do u want to do there?)

F; Faheem mau lakukan nonton tv di situ(want to watch tv there)

M;tapi tvnya rusak!!!(the tv is spoilt there)

F;panggil abang listrik(call the electrcian)

M;tapi naggak ada abang listrik((there are no electricians today)

F;(annoyed)nonton CD aja(watch CD then)

M;rusak juga(spoilt too)

F(very annoyed) main computer aja(play computer then)

M;nggak ah...capai(no i am tired...not playing)

F is crying already by then so annoyed by my trickery....smile.But for me it is a conversation to remember:))))))).

terribly toothy smile.....

FAheem and me..looking at....lord knows...

Faheem turned 3 on the 25th of this month.

Can't believe how time flies...Faheem is longer a baby at the age of three...but he is for me..he will always be a baby for me,even when he turns 60 and i am still around..

I remember the day he was born..like it was yesterday..i remember the day before he was born only to well...as i was so angry with the doctor for not taking heed of my complaints when my water broke.It was the first fast ,during the ramadhan,and he did't want to attend to me.I was in the hospital bed tossing, praying and hoping that my baby was ok in there...i remember feeling sorry for my mum,coz she waited then patiently and didn't sleep a wink.Then the next morning i remember shouting at my doctor who was unwilling to do an ultrasound to see if Faheem was ok,and when he finally did,(thank God),he saw there was hardly any water left....i don't want to remember that day..but i do...It was the grace of ALLAH that your child is alive said one of the doctors...yes ...i said..it is

As time passed,Faheem grew up to be such a cute fat baby...but the crying...it just won't stop.When he use to cry for God knows what ever reason..i use to cry along with him...because i was always rendered helpless.Through the years,i noticed that there was something different in my son.He wouln't smile as much,he developed his rough motor skills later than normal.Everyone..even the doctor blamed it on the weight...faheem was such a fat baby.oh well i thought ,if the doctors and the old ones say so...then i suppose it should be ok.Then there was the flapping..seemed so odd but cute at the same time...little did i know.....

When the diagnosis came in ...i suddenly felt that this is not my Faheem anymore....i jst suddenly couldn't believe that my son had Autism.I felt that my beautiful lil angel had been taken way from me.i use to be afraid to even look at him let alone deal with the problem.Who was this child sleeping next to me.I use to cry every night,and wonder what I did to deserve this?Y me?????????Why didn't i not see it coming?I couldn't think.I felt like abandoning life .....I had fallen into deep depression at that time...all that time feeling guilty for thinking this way.Suddenly all the plans i had made for the future as a family was destroyed.

These thought went on for more then a month.During that time,an uncle of mine gave me number a his friend..whose son had autism and doing well.I thank God to this day that i did give him a call.An hours coversation with him made me see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

My friend..and truely is my friend Haryanto,told me how natural it was to be depressed..his wife and him felt the same way...but he realized if he didn't take matters in his own hands ,his son will never improve,So he gave up his job and decided to take care of him...be his son's therapists,father,friend..anything his son wanted him to be.....now his son is 7 yrs old ..and thriving.He is going to a mainstream school."My son is ok..n yours will be fine too...u just need to understand him..and explain things to him more ..more than u would to normal children,tell him why its not good to head bang,tell him why he shouldn't put his hand in the fire..make him feel it...give your son a new experience everytime..."he said"u think that he doesn't understand..but he does..he is taking it all in....then leave everything else to God...do your homework...and let Him handle the rest"

Suddenly ,my perspective changed...that one phone call changed everything..i can do this. i thought to myself...do your homework and leave everything to God...i can do this..i enrolled Faheem in therapy,hiking horseriding,swimming...u name it...did floortime at home,did ABA,SI..speech,..i was running on a sprinter race and getting exhausted...and so was my poor Faheem as he lost more weight ,and looked ever so forlorn ..No ,i was not doing things right....I realized,painfully, i just cannot cure Faheem from autism ...there is not cure...it not a disease which has any medicines for it...It is what he is...and i just have to take him like he is...

Now...Faheem and me are pretty much on a marathon race.i running at Faheem pace....at the moment...and the results are showing,from pointing,laughing,and just enjoying himself with his loved ones..we still do all the therapies but i have slowed down in many ways..i don't involve to many activities in one day...floortime is on going of course.....Honestly ,there are times when i wish he was more NT...but like i said ..i should except him for the way he is...but can the world except him......what will happen to him when one fine day his loved ones are not around to look after him..will he be able to take care of himself?????the future haunts me,,,,,i was asked my father about having a trust fund for the disabled..and my father laughed...."not now worry puss...keep your silly thought at bay".Faheem will come out of this,have faith"....yes i have to.