a lil disappointed!!

F has not been feeling well for almost a week now.Cold and cough.We are very selective in giving him any med for his ailments since F in our opinion seems to regress if given the wrong meds.

We took him to the doctors a coupl of days a go..F pediatrician from the day he was born...the fool WHO UP TO A CERTAIN PERIOD IN TIME DENIED THE FACT THAT F HAD AUTISM. ...if it was not for Y i would never set foot in his office.

F is usually uncomfortable in the doc's office.This time though he didn't cry as much.He only started to cry when Y inserted the thermometer in is armpit...this ritual is suppose to be handled by the doc..but he didn';t want to do it..instead attended to a call..Once the thermometer went off,f quickly set up...i n the doc immediately started to write the prescription...(on what basis was he writing the prescription..f did have a temperature)i asked him to check his mouth.. to that he answered..he wanted to but since f was violent...VIOLENT??????.F was not violent..he was not biting..hitting..he NEVER has,masyallah..and he would have never done it to him.F was crying and a little uneasy...Finally he checked his mouth,that too he refused to hold him directly,told Y to hold him .AND THIS FELLA HAS BEEN GIVEN A DEGREE IN PEDIATRICS..TO HANDLE CHILDREN?????

I honestly felt hurt..my poor baby being ostracized for autism and that too from a doctor who should be the most compassionate of all.This is not the first time that it has happened..Sometimes i feel people get autism wrongly.People out here relate autism to a violent mental disease .It;s these things that worries me bout F future..i hope by then f will be ok..pls Allah help my son,when i am not around.

An interesting conversation with Faheem

Momma;Faheem mau kemana?(where do u want to go?)

F;mau ke rumah nana(want to go to nana's house)

M;Mau lakukan apa di situ?(what do u want to do there?)

F; Faheem mau lakukan nonton tv di situ(want to watch tv there)

M;tapi tvnya rusak!!!(the tv is spoilt there)

F;panggil abang listrik(call the electrcian)

M;tapi naggak ada abang listrik((there are no electricians today)

F;(annoyed)nonton CD aja(watch CD then)

M;rusak juga(spoilt too)

F(very annoyed) main computer aja(play computer then)

M;nggak ah...capai(no i am tired...not playing)

F is crying already by then so annoyed by my trickery....smile.But for me it is a conversation to remember:))))))).

terribly toothy smile.....

FAheem and me..looking at....lord knows...

Faheem turned 3 on the 25th of this month.

Can't believe how time flies...Faheem is longer a baby at the age of three...but he is for me..he will always be a baby for me,even when he turns 60 and i am still around..

I remember the day he was born..like it was yesterday..i remember the day before he was born only to well...as i was so angry with the doctor for not taking heed of my complaints when my water broke.It was the first fast ,during the ramadhan,and he did't want to attend to me.I was in the hospital bed tossing, praying and hoping that my baby was ok in there...i remember feeling sorry for my mum,coz she waited then patiently and didn't sleep a wink.Then the next morning i remember shouting at my doctor who was unwilling to do an ultrasound to see if Faheem was ok,and when he finally did,(thank God),he saw there was hardly any water left....i don't want to remember that day..but i do...It was the grace of ALLAH that your child is alive said one of the doctors...yes ...i said..it is

As time passed,Faheem grew up to be such a cute fat baby...but the crying...it just won't stop.When he use to cry for God knows what ever reason..i use to cry along with him...because i was always rendered helpless.Through the years,i noticed that there was something different in my son.He wouln't smile as much,he developed his rough motor skills later than normal.Everyone..even the doctor blamed it on the weight...faheem was such a fat baby.oh well i thought ,if the doctors and the old ones say so...then i suppose it should be ok.Then there was the flapping..seemed so odd but cute at the same time...little did i know.....

When the diagnosis came in ...i suddenly felt that this is not my Faheem anymore....i jst suddenly couldn't believe that my son had Autism.I felt that my beautiful lil angel had been taken way from me.i use to be afraid to even look at him let alone deal with the problem.Who was this child sleeping next to me.I use to cry every night,and wonder what I did to deserve this?Y me?????????Why didn't i not see it coming?I couldn't think.I felt like abandoning life .....I had fallen into deep depression at that time...all that time feeling guilty for thinking this way.Suddenly all the plans i had made for the future as a family was destroyed.

These thought went on for more then a month.During that time,an uncle of mine gave me number a his friend..whose son had autism and doing well.I thank God to this day that i did give him a call.An hours coversation with him made me see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

My friend..and truely is my friend Haryanto,told me how natural it was to be depressed..his wife and him felt the same way...but he realized if he didn't take matters in his own hands ,his son will never improve,So he gave up his job and decided to take care of him...be his son's therapists,father,friend..anything his son wanted him to be.....now his son is 7 yrs old ..and thriving.He is going to a mainstream school."My son is ok..n yours will be fine too...u just need to understand him..and explain things to him more ..more than u would to normal children,tell him why its not good to head bang,tell him why he shouldn't put his hand in the fire..make him feel it...give your son a new experience everytime..."he said"u think that he doesn't understand..but he does..he is taking it all in....then leave everything else to God...do your homework...and let Him handle the rest"

Suddenly ,my perspective changed...that one phone call changed everything..i can do this. i thought to myself...do your homework and leave everything to God...i can do this..i enrolled Faheem in therapy,hiking horseriding,swimming...u name it...did floortime at home,did ABA,SI..speech,..i was running on a sprinter race and getting exhausted...and so was my poor Faheem as he lost more weight ,and looked ever so forlorn ..No ,i was not doing things right....I realized,painfully, i just cannot cure Faheem from autism ...there is not cure...it not a disease which has any medicines for it...It is what he is...and i just have to take him like he is...

Now...Faheem and me are pretty much on a marathon race.i running at Faheem pace....at the moment...and the results are showing,from pointing,laughing,and just enjoying himself with his loved ones..we still do all the therapies but i have slowed down in many ways..i don't involve to many activities in one day...floortime is on going of course.....Honestly ,there are times when i wish he was more NT...but like i said ..i should except him for the way he is...but can the world except him......what will happen to him when one fine day his loved ones are not around to look after him..will he be able to take care of himself?????the future haunts me,,,,,i was asked my father about having a trust fund for the disabled..and my father laughed...."not now worry puss...keep your silly thought at bay".Faheem will come out of this,have faith"....yes i have to.

Faheem and i had a lovely time today.It has been three weeks since our first hike,aftr the fasting month.

The hike was accidental, of course.The family was invited to pre-wedding party,which was pretty much unattended by the both of since.Faheem decided to go for a hike .So ther i went with my high heels and party clothes.Its a good thing i picked up running in my heels in my uni days,when i use to ALWAYS be late for my classes..lol.Still i had to keep up with him.We passed high terrains,river...the view was breathtaking,we both enjoyed it,while(u wouldn't believe)singing andrea bocelli..and insisted i keep singing the tunes to his songs.We returned to the party exhausted.Of course by that time everything was over.I told the other kids to settle down with him while we played together with origami paper.He didn't cry aTHIS time with children around him .Yippppeeeeeeeeee!!!!.He was at ease.Later on i told him to give sweets to everyone which he right fully did.I am so proud of him today.;))))))))))).

What a n eventful month.Faheem has already turned 2.10yrs.There have been alot of drastic changes.

Over a year ago ,as Faheem had just been introduced to the early intervention program,we has taken him swimming .Its one of the recommended therapies.Well,as we had guessed at the time...instan screaming and crying.Finally ,we tried a different approach.We' d show him the swimming pool everytime we got the chance.One fine day,he say his cousin Adnan in the pool and he was sold.He jumped in unannounced(alittle scary)with shoes,and clothes and he was laughing way.Now he even wants to enter the pool by way of a slide...Maasyallah!!!Well at least he has begun to enjoy something else other than his motorcycles.

Another surprising fact,Faheem has begun to enjoy going to play areas which he use to hate before.But with one condition...his dad has to join him and there is no compromise.I can't say he is playing like the other kids in there as his chooses to bring his motor cycle as his security blanket and does care for the other children around him to much.I am just glad he wants to enter inside willingly and truely enjoys going in on almost all the playthings.

I was especially happy when his behavior therapist told me how surprised she was when she 'discovered' how much she knew.The speech therapist said that his 2 way communication quickly being established....Pls God let it improve more and more.

Along with the good news there is always some amount of bad news.Faheems stimming has once again increased...i read in one of the books this happens when he is introduced to more emotions and is trying to deal with it...which is a good thing.I wiah i can help him.He has still not learned to espress his emotions well.He does cry when his dad goes or his loved one,and is very pleased when his loved on returns(these abilities he lost a year ago and are thankfully back and HERE TO STAY).but there are new emotions that are difficult for him .Like the other day i brought him to a relatives place(which Faheem loves by the way since he has such a big backyard with farm animals).I think he has come to like my uncle's two little boys ages 7 and 9.For one they loads of toys..Though he did particularly respond to them,but he chose to play close to them afterwards...then he began to call out their names..but started stimming afterwards.I feel this is the new thing tht he can't seem to handle.Have to do something about this..how do i help him here?

Meanwhile,My mother is not doing to well.She has been diagnosed with discoid lupus which attacks the skin.My poor mum.The meds are real strong ones.She has helped me so much in handling Faheem.Now i want to help her as much as i can.I love u mum.Be strong...i am here for u..all your children are.

I jst had to add in something today.Faheem has been going through alot of changes particularly this week. There are so many stereotypic actions that he is introducing ...oh God i'm worried and on the edge here.I didn't think that at this point in time his stimming will persist ,but will reduce!!!!!!!!He is getting older..shouldn't his understanding become better????????

For instance,today,i took Faheem to jogger's park...Faheem looked liked he was goin to get a nervous breakdown.He was stimming through the walk.But the odd thing was he was so eager to climd on the slides...ON HIS OWN.That was something to smile about.Although once he climbed up the steps on the slide(on his own) he sat there stimming...i wonder y.Was it the crowd of children that was bothering him,or the fact that i was not beside him...i wonder.I thought after he climbed once that was the end of it.But he wanted to climb again and for 5 more times.'Mau naik lagi' he said.Then i accompanied him up the slide.this i think comforted him.He was clinging on to me real tight but was happy that i was there.After a couple of times on the slide he was ready to make a go on the hilly places that too while clapping and shaking his head from side to side which he has never done.I am glad he was not gritting his teeth though....Capai deh.Pls Allah make this not a regression for Faheem and give me the patience to plod on in the quest to make Faheem understand the world better...more in our way then his.

But the day was not all bad...Faheem has begun to have interest in playing with balls..provided its been played interestingly.I put a large basket down the stairs and gave him balls of all sizes to throw in the basket.His throws were real strong and managed to get quite a few balls in the basket...alhamdullilah.I hope this game though a little silly will help him progress towards something.And he managed to put a few rings in the stick..i had to tell him that its for the antenna of my toy truck ..that did the trick...it was such a tedious job for him ,but he managed.

After i see Faheem the way he is,i feel that i am on a very long roller coaster ride,where i scream and shout once its making a turn upside down.If this how i feel what is my little delicate angel feeling..anguish to the maximum over little things,why is he reacting this way ?always so high strung?I read somewhere tht children do take the traits of the parents...may be he is emotional and high strung like me,but i let it out almost to easily,y can't Faheem?